Myth of Study Aboard Pt.1

Study aboard has been a dream since I was in high school. After finishing in college, I grabbed a chance to work in the industry. Working for three years then started to plan go back to uni. Did I regret it? No, whether it is go straight to work place after college or quit the job for study. Some of u might asked why? This was a question I have been asked many many time since I was here. “You have a good job in the industry”, “good connection, good bosses” and etc. Thats very true. I had a good job, awesome colleagues. There were many reasons for me to stop me from going study aboard. But I made a choice to come over to UK without knowing anything and whats in front of me. I have no idea where im gonna end up with, will I able to get a job after. Yes, there was fear when I made the decision. I made this decision based on “this is what I want” without a specific reason. Im not going to lie, this is a very luxury choice. Going study aboard for two years is expensive, when you includes all the expenses with the exchange rate. The local students with the aid of student loan are struggle too, what about me? Probably more. So I even more grateful more that im able to this.

Did study aboard made my life better, future brighter? I don’t know. But there is something for sure, the perspective has changed. It broaden my view, think differently, for many different ways. Instead having a single solid way of thinking an issue, you started to think different perspectives, looking for different sides of the stories. This is something I couldn’t been done if im still in Malaysia because Im meeting the same group people, in the same circle, sharing the same mind set. Meeting lots of people from the different side of the world, sharing different thoughts on the same incidents or issue, you will be surprised. Either you and your friends have the common ideas or completely different.

Two years being abroad, wasn’t a long time but it certain wasnt a short time either. First year, it was scary but excited. It was scary because you barely know anyone in that new country that you gonna live in, all you know is from the mouth of people and the Internet. It was an excited adventure, because you get to start new chapter of your life with different environment, a place where allow you to be out of comfort zone, meeting new friends, learning new culture and perhaps a new language. Whether the new place has fit your imagination or not, you missed home, terribly, at this point. It only get worse if it wasn’t how you pictured it. Surely and slowly it get better as it goes into second year. With all those silly and stupid moment you, you learnt. Finally, you learn to settle down yourself. You started to know where things around and get things done. You found friends to kill time with, a job that bring you more options to life. And time went passed just like blinked of the eyes.

Now that two years has gone, uni life has officially finished as soon as you attend graduation. With everyone putting a smile on their faces, meaning we all have been through this and over it. Doesn’t matter what the result is, we have graduated. It is the time to walk into adulthood. For me, it is going back into it, again. Many has asked “what ’s your plan?” “Are u gonna stay in England?”, my answer always is “yes, if I have the chance” I have sent my cv, showreel to many companies that I interested in, got the chance to interview with different companies. Truth be told, I was the lucky one who able to get into the interview round. Many CVs have gone into bin, probably after a glance at it. Im not trying to be discouraging, but it is hard especially it is competitive industry and with many different issues as a foreigner. Many might not be understand, how hard can it be to live in UK or any part of Europe. It is easier for European to live whichever city that they want as long as within the EU. The boarder is not a very clear for European but it draw a very clear line for person who come from outside of Europe. First, you have to find a company that want to sponsor you, by that mean, you need to find the company that interested in you and don’t mind the hustle to apply visa for you. Is easy to find company that interested in you but is hard get the one after. So think twice before you really want to stay after graduation, you need to work harder than others. Because you probably won’t stand a chance if you don’t.

The double standard. Round in circles.

This been writing for a long time.
because i dont know how to start and where to end.
so grandma's story begins.

I grow up in a society where girls' preference is to be skinny, big eyes, fair skin, long hair.
and i cant tick any of those boxes.
im considered fat. walk into stores, i can only get L or XL for myself.
I never really like jeans because i cant find the perfect one.
I was never considered myself fat when i was a kid, until the check up.
doctor told me i was overweight, based on the BMI.
Then, when i was with a group friends together,
I cant help myself to think im fat, im a giant next to them friends.
i was insecure, and I was a teenage girl.
when i was in college, one of my friends told me "i think u gonna be more pretty if you lose some weight"
The society has been telling me im fat to them.
 I need to lose some weight to be 'normal', to be 'more pretty'
so ive tried. different ways to look be 'normal' and 'more pretty'
but i was never up to the standard.

Then i walked into other side of the world where i can not tick any of the boxes.
which much more, kind.
walk into primark, apparently my usual L and XL is oversize for me. The perfect size is M.
That never happen in my life before.
Im considered "normal" here.
I didnt think of losing weight eagerly like i used to although i constantly thinking im fat.
i feel much more comfortable with my shape and size here although i got some body shaming from old friends and my sister. sometimes.
This society teach me to be comfortable with my shape and size. is okay to be who you wanna be.

Just when you thought shape is the only double standard for girls.
colour skin as well.
The society i grew up in, told me a lighter skin is much prefered than darker skins.
staying out of the sun, whitening products range from make up to pills, external to internal used, whatever you can imagine, they are there for you.
I was given lots of whitening product during high school, because i was out, under the sun a lot, and i was tanned.
I was told lighter skin is flawless.
And one of my favourite romance comedy thai film was the girl got much more lighter skin after a summer. She become popular in school and the rest you can imagine.

Then, I came to here. There's abit different.
i was asked to help a friend to put self tanner cream on her back.
Then you go to store, lots of self tanner cream and obviously all shades of the foundation for different skins.
I guess it all make sense now.
why the foreigners travel to asia, like to be outside, tanning at the beach.

So i was confused.
I always, constantly stepping into this trap where i think im fat when i received messages like:
"you are fat", "did you go to gym?", "careful what you eat."...
Then i take a step back and think, im okay.
This cycle been going round in circles.
I think i will be wandering in circles for the rest of my life.