This been writing for a long time.
because i dont know how to start and where to end.
so grandma's story begins.
I grow up in a society where girls' preference is to be skinny, big eyes, fair skin, long hair.
and i cant tick any of those boxes.
im considered fat. walk into stores, i can only get L or XL for myself.
I never really like jeans because i cant find the perfect one.
I was never considered myself fat when i was a kid, until the check up.
doctor told me i was overweight, based on the BMI.
Then, when i was with a group friends together,
I cant help myself to think im fat, im a giant next to them friends.
i was insecure, and I was a teenage girl.
when i was in college, one of my friends told me "i think u gonna be more pretty if you lose some weight"
The society has been telling me im fat to them.
I need to lose some weight to be 'normal', to be 'more pretty'
so ive tried. different ways to look be 'normal' and 'more pretty'
but i was never up to the standard.
Then i walked into other side of the world where i can not tick any of the boxes.
which much more, kind.
walk into primark, apparently my usual L and XL is oversize for me. The perfect size is M.
That never happen in my life before.
Im considered "normal" here.
I didnt think of losing weight eagerly like i used to although i constantly thinking im fat.
i feel much more comfortable with my shape and size here although i got some body shaming from old friends and my sister. sometimes.
This society teach me to be comfortable with my shape and size. is okay to be who you wanna be.
Just when you thought shape is the only double standard for girls.
colour skin as well.
The society i grew up in, told me a lighter skin is much prefered than darker skins.
staying out of the sun, whitening products range from make up to pills, external to internal used, whatever you can imagine, they are there for you.
I was given lots of whitening product during high school, because i was out, under the sun a lot, and i was tanned.
I was told lighter skin is flawless.
And one of my favourite romance comedy thai film was the girl got much more lighter skin after a summer. She become popular in school and the rest you can imagine.
Then, I came to here. There's abit different.
i was asked to help a friend to put self tanner cream on her back.
Then you go to store, lots of self tanner cream and obviously all shades of the foundation for different skins.
I guess it all make sense now.
why the foreigners travel to asia, like to be outside, tanning at the beach.
So i was confused.
I always, constantly stepping into this trap where i think im fat when i received messages like:
"you are fat", "did you go to gym?", "careful what you eat."...
Then i take a step back and think, im okay.
This cycle been going round in circles.
I think i will be wandering in circles for the rest of my life.
