Myth of Study Aboard Pt.1

Study aboard has been a dream since I was in high school. After finishing in college, I grabbed a chance to work in the industry. Working for three years then started to plan go back to uni. Did I regret it? No, whether it is go straight to work place after college or quit the job for study. Some of u might asked why? This was a question I have been asked many many time since I was here. “You have a good job in the industry”, “good connection, good bosses” and etc. Thats very true. I had a good job, awesome colleagues. There were many reasons for me to stop me from going study aboard. But I made a choice to come over to UK without knowing anything and whats in front of me. I have no idea where im gonna end up with, will I able to get a job after. Yes, there was fear when I made the decision. I made this decision based on “this is what I want” without a specific reason. Im not going to lie, this is a very luxury choice. Going study aboard for two years is expensive, when you includes all the expenses with the exchange rate. The local students with the aid of student loan are struggle too, what about me? Probably more. So I even more grateful more that im able to this.

Did study aboard made my life better, future brighter? I don’t know. But there is something for sure, the perspective has changed. It broaden my view, think differently, for many different ways. Instead having a single solid way of thinking an issue, you started to think different perspectives, looking for different sides of the stories. This is something I couldn’t been done if im still in Malaysia because Im meeting the same group people, in the same circle, sharing the same mind set. Meeting lots of people from the different side of the world, sharing different thoughts on the same incidents or issue, you will be surprised. Either you and your friends have the common ideas or completely different.

Two years being abroad, wasn’t a long time but it certain wasnt a short time either. First year, it was scary but excited. It was scary because you barely know anyone in that new country that you gonna live in, all you know is from the mouth of people and the Internet. It was an excited adventure, because you get to start new chapter of your life with different environment, a place where allow you to be out of comfort zone, meeting new friends, learning new culture and perhaps a new language. Whether the new place has fit your imagination or not, you missed home, terribly, at this point. It only get worse if it wasn’t how you pictured it. Surely and slowly it get better as it goes into second year. With all those silly and stupid moment you, you learnt. Finally, you learn to settle down yourself. You started to know where things around and get things done. You found friends to kill time with, a job that bring you more options to life. And time went passed just like blinked of the eyes.

Now that two years has gone, uni life has officially finished as soon as you attend graduation. With everyone putting a smile on their faces, meaning we all have been through this and over it. Doesn’t matter what the result is, we have graduated. It is the time to walk into adulthood. For me, it is going back into it, again. Many has asked “what ’s your plan?” “Are u gonna stay in England?”, my answer always is “yes, if I have the chance” I have sent my cv, showreel to many companies that I interested in, got the chance to interview with different companies. Truth be told, I was the lucky one who able to get into the interview round. Many CVs have gone into bin, probably after a glance at it. Im not trying to be discouraging, but it is hard especially it is competitive industry and with many different issues as a foreigner. Many might not be understand, how hard can it be to live in UK or any part of Europe. It is easier for European to live whichever city that they want as long as within the EU. The boarder is not a very clear for European but it draw a very clear line for person who come from outside of Europe. First, you have to find a company that want to sponsor you, by that mean, you need to find the company that interested in you and don’t mind the hustle to apply visa for you. Is easy to find company that interested in you but is hard get the one after. So think twice before you really want to stay after graduation, you need to work harder than others. Because you probably won’t stand a chance if you don’t.

The double standard. Round in circles.

This been writing for a long time.
because i dont know how to start and where to end.
so grandma's story begins.

I grow up in a society where girls' preference is to be skinny, big eyes, fair skin, long hair.
and i cant tick any of those boxes.
im considered fat. walk into stores, i can only get L or XL for myself.
I never really like jeans because i cant find the perfect one.
I was never considered myself fat when i was a kid, until the check up.
doctor told me i was overweight, based on the BMI.
Then, when i was with a group friends together,
I cant help myself to think im fat, im a giant next to them friends.
i was insecure, and I was a teenage girl.
when i was in college, one of my friends told me "i think u gonna be more pretty if you lose some weight"
The society has been telling me im fat to them.
 I need to lose some weight to be 'normal', to be 'more pretty'
so ive tried. different ways to look be 'normal' and 'more pretty'
but i was never up to the standard.

Then i walked into other side of the world where i can not tick any of the boxes.
which much more, kind.
walk into primark, apparently my usual L and XL is oversize for me. The perfect size is M.
That never happen in my life before.
Im considered "normal" here.
I didnt think of losing weight eagerly like i used to although i constantly thinking im fat.
i feel much more comfortable with my shape and size here although i got some body shaming from old friends and my sister. sometimes.
This society teach me to be comfortable with my shape and size. is okay to be who you wanna be.

Just when you thought shape is the only double standard for girls.
colour skin as well.
The society i grew up in, told me a lighter skin is much prefered than darker skins.
staying out of the sun, whitening products range from make up to pills, external to internal used, whatever you can imagine, they are there for you.
I was given lots of whitening product during high school, because i was out, under the sun a lot, and i was tanned.
I was told lighter skin is flawless.
And one of my favourite romance comedy thai film was the girl got much more lighter skin after a summer. She become popular in school and the rest you can imagine.

Then, I came to here. There's abit different.
i was asked to help a friend to put self tanner cream on her back.
Then you go to store, lots of self tanner cream and obviously all shades of the foundation for different skins.
I guess it all make sense now.
why the foreigners travel to asia, like to be outside, tanning at the beach.

So i was confused.
I always, constantly stepping into this trap where i think im fat when i received messages like:
"you are fat", "did you go to gym?", "careful what you eat."...
Then i take a step back and think, im okay.
This cycle been going round in circles.
I think i will be wandering in circles for the rest of my life.

The Cry Baby

The only cry baby i know is me. 

Laugh through with my tears, 

and it has tore me apart. 

The only cry baby i know is me. 

If my tears could be measured, 

they might filled up the swimming pool 

The only cry baby i know is me. 

The tears are falling to the ground, 

and they never come back. 

The only cry baby i know is me. 

Looking into mirror, 

I have no longer know who the girl is. 

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH WITH NI HAO MA

I am in UK for more than a year now.

A lot of time when i'm walking down the street, 

strangers who passed by me will say "你好吗？(NI HAO MA)”  

the only thing that going through my head is "DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY RACE AND NATIONALITY?" 

You might think I'm too sensitive about it but I definitely feel you are incredibly rude and culturally dumb when you just throwing "Ni Hao Ma?" to a complete stranger who looks like Chinese  to you. 

Dont get me wrong. 

If you are my friend, and you trying to make fun with it or you trying to pick up a few words to greet people. 

Thats totally fine. 

And I still know the differences between HARASSMENT and being FRIENDLY. 

Most of the time is annoying, harassment.

You definitely don't walk down the street greet random strangers with "their language" that you think it is. 

You speak the mutual language of the area. 

And you dont say "fuck off" if they dont give a respond.

Secondly, do we actually say "Ni Hao Ma?" 

Yes, on the TEXT BOOK! I learnt "Ni Hao Ma?" in school 

and NO because i never use it in my daily conversation to greet people or to start a conversation with someone

A simple "Hi" or "hello" will do among the strangers. 

I usually greet my friends with "how ur day been", "you alright?" 

My mom usually will start a conversation with "have you eaten?" and this question is quite generic for my mom's generation. 

So throwing "Ni Hao Ma?" to stranger is not a good idea. 

I might not have the position to say as I am a CHINESE and happen to know A FEW DIALECT IN CHINESE LANGUAGE.   

Just incase you did not know, MANDARIN is a dialect in chinese language. Chinese language is not single language, it includes a lot of dialect. Mandarin is the "face", the "standard" of chinese language. 

You have to understand there are a lot Chinese (as a race) around the world, and they might not know Mandarin. For instance, my parents didnt not know mandarin at all.  

Like I say not all the Chinese from China, you don't just assume our nationality. 

I don't mind if you asking where I'm from but NOT JUST ASSUME. 

I came from Malaysia, is one of the country in South East Asia. 

The distance between Malaysia and China is 3,512 KM which equivalent to 2,182 MILES. 

DISCLAIMER: 

I'm not trying to distance myself from the Chinese nationals,
I met and know a lot of them.
My great-great grandparents are from China and they migrated to Malaysia before the war.
I am the 4th generation that born and raised in Malaysia. I called myself a Malaysian.

About everything. is easier for man.

Few days ago, a close friend of mine went to a beach.
Posted a few bikini pictures of hers but she was insecure about it.
Saw her insta story, people DM her and the message is judgemental.

Then months ago, I was out for a few drinks with some guy friends and talked about things.
the events, work, night out, clothes and etc.
and i said things like this: i think it just easy for man.
They got offended and started to defend themselves.
I told the reasons why i think things are just easier for man. 
Somehow they agreed and we continued drinking.
(there wasn't a serious debate session, we were just chatting and drinking)

Then flash back, years ago. It was story of my mom.
There's waterfall near her house where a lot people will go,
my mom and her sister never have a chance to go the waterfall when they were kids.
They are not allowed to go the waterfall because they are girls.
All my uncles went to the water and told them how fun to be at the place.
The first time my mom went to the waterfall was after she got married and brought her kids to the waterfall.

Now is a story of mine. When i was a kid.
My uncle had a big pond where he was rearing his fish at his backyard.
There was tiny house in the middle of the pond where he kept all his equipment and you need to row the boat to the tiny house.
It looks fun. So I always wanted to go the tiny house when i was a kid
All my cousin brothers went to the tiny house but us.
My cousin sister, my sister and me.
Because we are girls.

There was time i wish myself is a boy because everything seems easy to be a boy.
Especially living in a world like ours.
Boys are taught to be outgoing and adventurous.

But most of the time, I'm glad and proud of being girl.
Despite the fact that this world is still pretty much gender inequality and sexism
I still love being a girl.
I met a lot strong woman in my life which includes my mom.
She raised me like a girl and allow me to live like boy.

The Three Years Rule

When I was a kid, I always wanted to have a roller shoes.
It was so popular at that time that almost every kids have one.
But me. So I begged my mom.
Everytime we passed a kid who has it, a shop where it sell,
I looked at my mom and she instantly turned around.
Avoid eye contact. Smart move.
For a very long time. Probably years.
I did not have it and it did not matter to me anymore.
Same as my sister.
Then, one day. My mom came back with those shoes for me and my sister.
We were excited that day, can't wait to go to the malls.
We only wore it once. Once.
Then they kept on the rack for years. Eventually, got threw away later.
I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

When I was a teenage girl, i was once had a crush on a boy in school. For a long time.
He was smart and was the popular boy in school.
I had a lot of thoughts about him but none of them happen.
Kept my head down, did not show my eyes when he talk.
Then we graduated from high school. On our way of our destiny.
And for years. I kept it with me. Probably few of best friends knew.
Years later. We met again.
He still the same, sweet, smart guy I knew but I no longer the little girl.
We had some very good conversation about study, career, life, family and etc.
And this time, no head down and show my eyes.
For the past few years, I didn't not try to make him be mine.
I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

So here's the thing.
If I did not have it,
and it doesn't matter in three years time,
It doesn't matter anyway. 
This is the conclusion I came up with.
I am not asking myself to forget about it but just remind myself it just less important than everything else.
It doesn't matter whether is the roller shoes or the crush. Is the everything that I want but I could not have.






  

about first language

Whenever people ask me about my first language. 

I was confused.

Growing up, I speak 3 different languages and 2 dialects.

I speak to my mom in Cantonese, my dad in Hakka. 

Learn and speak to my friends in Bahasa, English and Mandarin. 

So which is my first language? 

I still confuse, because i brought up by different languages. 

When I was kid, I went to chinese government primary school. 

In school, we learnt our math and science in Mandarin and English. 

In public examination, there were 2 languages, Bahasa and English on the test paper for certain subjects.

You might think that's so confusing. 

but at that point, i certainly think it was connivence. 

If I dont understand that question in english, i can just look at the other side, to see the bahasa version of it or the other way round.

Totally taking the advantage of it. 

Here's a little fun fact about our family. 

As a chinese, many of you would considered mandarin is my first language and mother tongue. I have no disagreement about it but it did not work for my parents. 

My parents didn't not learn mandarin in school or house when they were young.

They do not know how to read and write. They even will take some time to write their chinese name correctly. 

mandarin. 

My mom learnt how to speak mandarin when both me and little sister went to pre-school. She still barely recognised and read the chinese characters except our names. 

and i never heard my dad speak in mandarin in my life. He spoke other chinese dialects but Mandarin.

Both my parents speak english fluently and grammatically correct.  

So my mom often showed off her english when we were young because we did not do very well in english. 

but what she didnt know was, both me and my little sister tricked her because we know mandarin really well. 

Living in Malaysia, no one will ask about our first language. 

Simply because we live in country with mixed race and mixed language. 

In a very simple sentence, malaysian definitely have the ability to mix more than 1 or 2 languages in it and we still able to understand the sentence perfectly. 

As soon i live abroad or travelling, the question will be there. it just the matter of time.  

So what's my first language? 

you tell me.