The Three Years Rule

When I was a kid, I always wanted to have a roller shoes.
It was so popular at that time that almost every kids have one.
But me. So I begged my mom.
Everytime we passed a kid who has it, a shop where it sell,
I looked at my mom and she instantly turned around.
Avoid eye contact. Smart move.
For a very long time. Probably years.
I did not have it and it did not matter to me anymore.
Same as my sister.
Then, one day. My mom came back with those shoes for me and my sister.
We were excited that day, can't wait to go to the malls.
We only wore it once. Once.
Then they kept on the rack for years. Eventually, got threw away later.
I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

When I was a teenage girl, i was once had a crush on a boy in school. For a long time.
He was smart and was the popular boy in school.
I had a lot of thoughts about him but none of them happen.
Kept my head down, did not show my eyes when he talk.
Then we graduated from high school. On our way of our destiny.
And for years. I kept it with me. Probably few of best friends knew.
Years later. We met again.
He still the same, sweet, smart guy I knew but I no longer the little girl.
We had some very good conversation about study, career, life, family and etc.
And this time, no head down and show my eyes.
For the past few years, I didn't not try to make him be mine.
I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

So here's the thing.
If I did not have it,
and it doesn't matter in three years time,
It doesn't matter anyway. 
This is the conclusion I came up with.
I am not asking myself to forget about it but just remind myself it just less important than everything else.
It doesn't matter whether is the roller shoes or the crush. Is the everything that I want but I could not have.






  

about first language

Whenever people ask me about my first language. 

I was confused.

Growing up, I speak 3 different languages and 2 dialects.

I speak to my mom in Cantonese, my dad in Hakka. 

Learn and speak to my friends in Bahasa, English and Mandarin. 

So which is my first language? 

I still confuse, because i brought up by different languages. 

When I was kid, I went to chinese government primary school. 

In school, we learnt our math and science in Mandarin and English. 

In public examination, there were 2 languages, Bahasa and English on the test paper for certain subjects.

You might think that's so confusing. 

but at that point, i certainly think it was connivence. 

If I dont understand that question in english, i can just look at the other side, to see the bahasa version of it or the other way round.

Totally taking the advantage of it. 

Here's a little fun fact about our family. 

As a chinese, many of you would considered mandarin is my first language and mother tongue. I have no disagreement about it but it did not work for my parents. 

My parents didn't not learn mandarin in school or house when they were young.

They do not know how to read and write. They even will take some time to write their chinese name correctly. 

mandarin. 

My mom learnt how to speak mandarin when both me and little sister went to pre-school. She still barely recognised and read the chinese characters except our names. 

and i never heard my dad speak in mandarin in my life. He spoke other chinese dialects but Mandarin.

Both my parents speak english fluently and grammatically correct.  

So my mom often showed off her english when we were young because we did not do very well in english. 

but what she didnt know was, both me and my little sister tricked her because we know mandarin really well. 

Living in Malaysia, no one will ask about our first language. 

Simply because we live in country with mixed race and mixed language. 

In a very simple sentence, malaysian definitely have the ability to mix more than 1 or 2 languages in it and we still able to understand the sentence perfectly. 

As soon i live abroad or travelling, the question will be there. it just the matter of time.  

So what's my first language? 

you tell me.